You know I love you
by LetTheGreenGirlGo234
Summary: Musings regarding unrequited love on the part of one of our two favourite girls. I promise it's better than it sounds. PLEASE read and review :D first thing I've published, please be nice :D P.s. mother in para 9 should be father, Sorry!


You know I love you. As long as I have known I love you, you have known also. I hide nothing from you; you know everything about me; from my dysfunctional family to my own insecurities and fears, to my opinions on nearly everything, and my feelings for you.

You don't share my feelings, I know that. I try to accept that you will never share my feelings. I can accept it logically in my brain, but in my heart I still haven't accepted it. Every time I see you, my feelings overwhelm me. It's not your fault, just as it's not your fault that my feelings for you make you uncomfortable. I know they do, no matter how hard you try to act normal around me. You never hug me, you call other people 'darling' in a friendly context, but never me. You say 'I love you' all the time, but never to me. That's fine. I imagine it's pretty weird, as a straight girl, to have someone of the same sex say they like you as more than just a friend. So that's fine.

But it does mean that I have to suppress my feelings, and I know that's not good. I'm so used to it now, but I know that it isn't a good thing to do, as I have found out from suppressing other things. But it does impact on me. Because we have never had a conversation about it, which I don't blame you for in the slightest, it would be too weird for me too, I have never been able to accept it and move on. I don't blame you at all, I blame myself. I know that I don't have a grasp on what it is like to have any kind of relationship with anyone, friends, family, or girlfriends. I just don't know. I feel like a lost little child, like I do in most things. You make me feel secure, confident. That's partly why I love you, the way you make me feel. And I know you have never had a girlfriend either, so we would have to learn together. But that would be fine, because I can cope with being inadequate when you are making me feel better about myself.

You just make me happy. You make me happy like no one else does, just by walking into the room, just by saying hello, just by smiling. Even if you are having a conversation with someone else at the other end of the room, the look in your eyes, the way you talk with your hands, the little faces you make when the other person is talking. And then when you laugh- even if I can't hear it, I know the sound, and it warms me from inside and sends shivers down my spine. When I think of you, which I try not to, I don't think of you in _that _way, I just think of you as a lovely, kind, helpful, clever, independent, _gorgeous_ girl. You don't have to do anything, and I still love you. I accept you for who you are, and I feel like you accept me. You annoy me sometimes, but even when you are annoying me you annoy me in a way that makes me love you even more, makes me think you are even more adorable.

I try to accept that nothing could ever happen between us. I try to forget about you. But I just can't. I love you too much.

I will always be there for you, as long as you want me. I will always love you, or at least it feels that way at the moment. If you want me to leave you alone, I will. It would be hard, and it might just break my heart, or maybe I would just bury my feelings, but I would do it if you wanted me to. I would do anything you asked in a heartbeat, I'm yours.

I wish you were mine too. A thousand times I have imagined you were, but a thousand times I have also then looked to the reality, and seen that you're not. I want to be closer with you, I want to hold your hand and be able to show you how much I love you. I don't want to _do_ anything, I just want to be able to be content, to not worry about hiding how proud of you I am, to be able to say, 'that's my girl'. I imagine that if you loved me back, all my other problems would go away, or at the least I'd be able to deal with them better, because I know that I'd have you for support, for advice, to make it better.

You care for me emotionally in ways you don't even realise, often you don't even notice. I feel bad that you have so much responsibility in my life. I feel awful for what I have put you through over the years. I haven't always treated you as I should have done, I know that, and I am truly sorry. I wish I hadn't put you through what I had put you through, but as much as I want to, I can't change the past. I'm so sorry.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without you. I always end up crying. I couldn't cope without you, I know that, and I think you know that too. I'm glad I have you as a friend; I know that it could be much worse. I don't know why you don't hate me, but I'm glad that you don't. And while I really wish for us to be closer, I know that it can't happen. I know logically that it's best for everyone else how it is now, but I can't help but be a little selfish. I think you are happy at the moment, and I and so happy that you are happy. I think I am happier than I have been in the past. With counselling I have discovered that I have a lot of feelings towards my mother and her situation that I never even realised I had buried, and that has had a knock on effect on all my other 'problems'. You're top of the list.

I love you, but I also resent you. I think you're adorable, but you do annoy me. I think you're gorgeous, but I don't think I've quite come to terms with the fact that I find a girl attractive yet. I think you're clever and talented and modest, but I'm very jealous. I'm also proud of you, but I know that I can't be.

That really is my problem regarding you, I think.

I'm completely in love with you, but I feel like I can't be.


End file.
